qwerty

 i have to write

i just have to

 

strictly for me

 

and me alone

 

my giut is too tied up and twisted

 

too many plans not enough action

 

 

i just hate the dailiness of life

 

in and out

 

eveery day

 

you gotta pick something you like to do every day in order to pass the time

because living your days sappy

is unbearable

ive been stuck for too long

i should be writing everyday

i should be fucking everyday

i wanna fuck somebody

somebody special

prospects come to mind

but i know the one

 

 

i dont have a single original thought

 

this really is telepathy

 

between me and my soul

 

the only place i get to speak

 

in whatever way i wanted

 

no[body can shut me up

 

when i get to typing

 

it is a very stalwart experience

 

words come at you like a brick wall

theres no hope in misconstrument

there is not enough tonality

but i hoe you can hear my voice

through this

i hope it rings true

and clear as day

i guess i gootta be realistic

and really give myself a break

because expecting too much

breaks you

i dont need the satisfaction

i need the craft

doing is enough

i guess

doing it is enough

\

i havent been getting it done

ive been suling pretty hard

sulkcore is the only core i believe

 in 

also couchcorere

couchcore is important

to be honest sports fans

i dont believe in myself enough to accomplish anything great\\\

but then again im denying who i am

theres a part of me that already knows

thats done and dusted

it already knows

i hate using these words

but my soul is cheesy as fuck

it already knows 

 

the badass that i am

 

it already knows 

 

that i can

 

it already knows

 

and its annoying

 

annoying as fuck

 

how there is such an ambivalency with me

 

a clashing

 

my feelings havent caught up with my beliefs

 

or vice versa

 

im just too scared

 

im petrified sports fans

 

im absolutely scared to bits and pieces

 

of everybody and everything

 

but there is nothing worse than feeling good

 

what i fear is feeling good

 

and cashing in on who i am

 

i deserve just rewards

 

but its lie then yeah whats next

 

if i get what i know what it is

but i simply dont want to know

im all out of options at this point

ive tried sleeping my life away

i really need to just be a kid again

and npot worry about anything

really let loose

i always try to achive top marks in scrawniness

in being straight up scrappy

im that one kid who is small and bullied

but tough as fuck

so in a way nobody really messes with him

 

because he's sadistic

 

and he loves the pain

 

 

oh how he loves the pain

 

pain is all the boy knows

 

pain is the one drug that never fades

 

 

because being in pain is pretty druglike

 

and i try to find that intensity in everything i do

 

or at least the ideal version of me does

 

i always feel like i am a liar

 

because i am a very tough judge 

i hold myself accountable to the ideals that i possess

even if they are distorted, and i feel shitty about not putting in the effort required in order to chase them\

being ideal doesnt come cheap

but hey, you cant e ideal

i could never become ideal

i can only strive

i hate striving

striving is the nature of the world we live in i guess

to strive is to achieve

to acheve is to dream

i have dreams

i dont like getting into them

they are very 

obsolete to me

they seem as if they are wisps

but my soul

that annoying bitch

she'll never give up

even if she has to throw me away

she'll do it

and im a part of her

so its like

what the fuck

whos next

its been too long

ive gone into the ringer

and came out wrung

i cant focus on anything for too long because i need that external validation

i need that dopeamine

i neeed those drugs

i havent been as wild as i could be

as i should

i want a drunk wild and wet phase

where i do nothing but blure into my own existence

throughnon existence

i still feel it

there still is a wedge

a gap inbetween me and me

im just a good boy doing what hes told at the end of the day

i dont want no trouble

and i damn sure dont want no remorse

\do people find value in me being me?\

who knows

who cares

i gotta be me goddammit

i should write everyday  for like three hours

as long as i can manage it

as long as i can stand it

because i literally dont have anything else to do

starting blogs 

and videos

and being on the internet and shit

all that shit is gimmicky

played out

and oh so tiring

i dont want to strive for clicks and views

i want to be effortless

omenless

care free

none of that

no no 

none of that

there was this guy that could sniff my demons snarling at him

and i waas in a funk\\

and he was like 

"NO NO

none of that"

 

maybe that'll be an inside joke between me and the love of my life these days

 

im so impatient with myself

 

i can't believe the things i go through

im really prideful

and really stubborn

 

so fucking stubborn

 

even if it kills me

 

i do not care

 

as long as i can defend whatever of me that i want to protect from doing the damn thing in the first place

 

even if its a rotten part of me, if its genuine, i will display it

 

until it gets the shine that it deserves

 

you dont deny me

 

i deny myself

 

there is nothing you can do to me at this point

 

im all done and dusted

 

like forreal

 

been through it all

 

worse things have happened to me

but that still doenst mean that im not hurt

that im not in pain

that im not sad

 

im all of these things

 

all of the time

 

but i hate to admit it

 

i like me

 

a little bit

 

at the least

 

and that's all the excuse i need for anything

 

why havent you been doing anyhting

 

because i like me

 

and liking me involves doing nothing for long stretches of time

 

because unlike you

 

i am me

 

i can only know me

 

this is the only bit of the universe that is truly mine

 

and even then

 

im on borrowed time

 

so how

 

how can you get to know me

 

through me and me alone

 

so final judgement call stands still

 

hills arising

overgazing the blank stares

 

lucid third eye wandering listelessly

 

restless since the very beginning

 

i cantt stand still

 

i have so much energy

 

it doesnt make any sense

 

i feel like i am going to explode

 

oh you are so cliche sometimes dorian

 

the d stands for dramatic

 

what is life but one big theatre

 

separated by the illusion of it all

 

we are all playing a silly little game called human being

 

nothing can stop us from doing that at least

 

some people win

 

some people lose

 

but the real progress 

 

is in the in between