doing nothing productively

 doing nothing productively

ive been stuck

on a really hard social question

and ive been stuck

my whole life at this question

what are you doing?

its such a funny thing

to ask such a question to me

because

to me

i dont know what to tell people

and i dont know what im doing

like

i know what im doing

right now, i am writing

but,

that is such a shallow answer to justify anything

oh im writing

thats good, but i feel like

the fvk

i am doing much more than just writing right now

i am dismantling my old and worn psyche of all out gone conclusions

i am letting go

thats what im doing

but, even then, what about what i usually do?

i usually do, nothing

i havent been doing many things

i have really been doing money

i havent been doing anything for money

money is this big old demon bound by the heads to our feet, telling us 

HAHA YOU NEED ME

BUT YOU CANT ME

HAHAHA

WORRY ABOUT ME

HAHAHA

i have been

doing nothing

productively

alot of watching

alot of observing

alot of staying still

alot of just….uggggggghhhhhh

brain dumping

letting go

because i knew that it was the only way i could get what i want out of life

if i dropped out of school

i now sacrifice school

my school life was one big sacrifice i can now let go of….

thats why  dropped out of school

because i knew that

if i stayed in school

i would never live the life that i want…

and i am someone who has been bored my whole life

i am someone who cannot settle

for anything less than what i want

i get what i want always

its pretty fucking spectacular

as black magick is being pulled out of my anus

i now know that i am good

i know the reason why

i have reason’

the reason why i dropped out of school

mommy and daddy

is because i want to live the life that i want

i am not going to settle

for anything less

than what i want

and

contrary to popular belief

you little faggit boi fuckers dont got shit to know what i want

you dont even know what u want

and if you do

you dont have the balls enough to get it

i can tell that by the way that you all hate on me all day fucking long

i am the highlight reel of your life just fuckining admit it already and go the fuck home

guess what

peace love and happiness

i am free

you cannot bring me down with you

no matter where i am at

i am peace

i am love

and i am happiness

it doesnt matter

i am the incorrigible underworld

you cannot corridge me in my porridge

mediocrity

discomfort

abuse

discrimination

and i can handle being the only one to see the bigger picture

and i can handle being shittee on by the same people i live to serve

and i can handle being the only one who knows what the right thing for him to do

and i can handle being dangerous and keeping the world guessing

and i can handle the hate

for i am love

i can handle everything on my plate right now

i can handle anything

i am pure majique

nobody can but a handle or holler on me

even when they had me pinned down

spear in my vase

licking me down as if i was a vehement love cow

existing for only a short time, and disappearing, never to be seen again

their only chance at the holy ichor gone, null, and void……

they still couldnt handle me

if they could, id fall in love with them

and be happily disillusioned far too long after the fact…..

yes,

what i expect to happen

can happen

because i am creator god

i dont really care

is that a computer or a fucking tank

a nuclear war weapon beaming hardcore pornagraphy straight into your third eye

keeping you in a confused state of horny, disgusted, and retarded….

mental retardation is nothing i cannot stand

i can stand anything

there is noting that i cant stand

i can stand anything

and for that reason

i can take a stand against anything…..

so yeah

ive been doing nothing (productive)ly

iteration

iteration

the unlimited iteration

the ineffable iteration

the story of the universe

iteration

progress

seek progress

even though i havent

had the huge accolades

or the rewards

or the ploys

although i am my own ruler

so i have my own, and different, measure

of who i am, my  success and progress

what i deem feasible,imfeasible, right, and wrong

worthy, unworthy

love, or good

although i have not progressed by other means rules and standards

i know

in my heart

that i have progressed exponentially

in my life

comparing all of them

i dont like that word

collating all of them

integrating them all

as a single story

as a single life

i have lived

ive got this life hit handled

im here to transpass this life

pass through this life transiently….

you understand life less and less 

and the less you understand

the deeper the understanding….