"whats on your plate"

 whats been on your plate?

shit, angles, daimons, astral ekts, encountering friends through dreams, mental breakthroughs, breakdowns, and breakups of all kinds. Painful truths, but the thing about painful truths is that the liberation felt on the other side of them are always so worth it.

Painful truth #1: I can't be with other people how I want to be, unless they are able to be with themselves.

And who is that? Where are the human beings that are able to do what I am doing? To sit down and write. To sit down and think. To be intentional, and to be GODDAMN QUICK ABOUT IT GODDAMMIT WE DONT GOT ALL DAY HERE!

I SWEAR I BE SURROUNDED BY MENTAL SLOTHS.

mental drainers

mental reactionaries

carriers of mental inertia, ancient and old; useless? For sure, but these pieces of mental inertia are considered sacred in their eyes.

we call them "traditions", or "culture", or "society". "thats just the way the world is!"

and i don't hear it because it doesnt need to be said.

My spirit hears it loud and clear

EVERYONE LOVES THE STATUS QUO

AND COMPLAINS ABOUT THE STATUS QUO

THEY COMPLAIN USING THEIR THOUGHTS, AND WORDS

BUT BOY, OH BOY, HOW DO WE LOVE IT THROUGH OUR ACTIONS!

HYPOCRISY IS HUMANITY'S FAVORITE PASTTIME

WHO "DOES SHIT" ANYMORE?

because of this, people around me have a hard time seeing me. And I have a hard time showing me because I intuitively know that it is a waste of time.

I know the harsh truth. I am not meant for this world. ME having friends is a pipe dream, reserved for the people who can get along with lying to themselves better.

being a truther, i am the world's LEX LUTHOR.

Painful Realization #2

My childhood was 100% bullshit, and my parents are NPC's programmed to keep me in the matrix, "like everybody else"

I hate humanity

I hate human beings

I hate how anything good we take it

gang up on it

beat it with the stupid stick

and dumb it, saturate it, and water it down until it becomes like everything else, as tasteless, hopeless, and loveless, "LIKE GOD MEANT FOR EVERYTHING TO BE"

so we have these terms, in which are excellent terms that describe incredibly prevalent things, in our lives, but are so bad at the moment.

"Matrix" is one of them.

The amount of people who use that word, yet are completely encapsulated by matrix ideology, social rearing, spiritual values (the lack of spirituality is the matrix spiritual values system), obsession over ego and personal position in life, worrying about and having the same problems everyone around you has, and going about solving those problems in the same way.

A human being properly programmed by the matrix is as the same a donkey carrying the weight of his body and his master's, in the allusion of gaining an imaginary carrot on the proverbial stick.

there is no carrot, there is no stick, there is only right here, right now.

but people who live the matrix, lived unfulfilled, boring, stagnating, and internally uncomfortable, externally based lives.

SO OF COURSE, back to the first realization made< THEY CANNOT SEE ME FOR WHO I WANT TO BE SEEN AS.

THEY CAN ONLY SEE THE SAME 3 OR 4 BOXES THAT THEY HAVE ALWAYS SEEN

MONEY

SEX

STATUS

SURVIVAL

FOR ANYONE LIVING IN THE MATRIX, IT ALL COMES DOWN TO SURVIVAL. AND THERE IS ONLY ONE WAY TO SURVIVE. 

BE ENSLAVED

JOIN THE MATRIX DORIAN

YOU MIGHT NOT BE HAPPY

BUT AT LEAST YOU'LL BE SAFE

the people most wrapped up in the matrix would be the first to deny it.

theyy dont know

i dont get mad at people anymore

people are ignorant as fuck

i was ignorant as fuck

but now i know

and ill i know

is that from within

Painful Realization #3

NOTHING YOU DO EVER MATTERS IF YOU CANT LEARN TO BE IT FIRST.

You ever heard the phrase "fake it until you make it". Well I'm learning an advanced and harder course called "BELIEVE IT UNTIL YOU ACHIEVE IT"

because if you dont believe in what you are doing, nothing will ever get done.

You will be just like me, in an illusion of progress, but never taking the actual steps to get ahead of all that busy work.

I dont need to do half the things I do. I do them anyways out of a fear of not doing anything........

but then again, I've come to remember my training.

over the summer of 2021 i spent most of my time outside, in nature, thinking about why I am soooooo fucked mentally, and healing.

On the outside appearance, and especially from my parent's perspective, it appeared that I was doing nothing.

Something was wrong.

I couldn't tell them

they knew something was wrong

but i couldnt tell them

they wouldnt understand

they have never understood me, and that was back when i was being normal for their apporval

they fair much better at understanding me now, after the fact.'

understanding that i am insane and not to be messed with'

a confirmation of their deeper truths.

 but anyways

id wake up every day, right next to my brother, on my twin sized matress, in our little 8 by 8 foot room we shared.

shit, i couldnt do shit in their

could barely breathe

i was super cramped

but, 

i realize,

unless its as empty

as outer space......

i'll always be a little cramped.

but yeah, i'd wake up/

id had to find some way to get high, without money.

so i resorted to what i knew.

i would take my dad's roach tails without him knowing

im talking about scrounging around

like some serious scrounging

id go past his windowsill and scoop up the remains

id go into our garbage bags outside to find the tails

id look around the house for any weed paraphenellia

i really needed some weed to go through what i was going through

but id rather get it my own way then ask that man for help

ask any man for help

because, deep inside, i believe that all men are incompetant and weak.

I have a hatred for humanity that runs deep.

back to the story.

so yeah, there i was, BUM OF THE YEAR.

no job

no social life

no girlfriend,

nothing to keep me busy

EXCEOT FOR ME DEBUNKING ALL OF THE MIND FUCKERY AND MENTAL ENSLAVEMENT TOOLS, WITHOUT ANY IMMEDIATE HELP FROM HUMAN BEINGS.

my family came through though. I have a nice family. We are tough, but we are tough because of how things were, not because we chose it to be. I cause my own toughness, always have, always will.

SO YEAH, BACK TO THE DEBUNKING OF EVERY TANGIBLE BELIVE I HAD ABOUT MYSELF.

i could go into it, but we got to get back on topic.

the point is, I had to be someone I didn't know I could be, a healer.

I had to be my own healer

in order to ever get healed

I couldn't go to a psyche ward

"DOCTOR! 

dOCTOR!

EVERYTHING I EVER BELIEVED IN, YOU EVER BELIEVED IN, WE ARE ALL BELIEVING IN TOGETHER, IS A PLAIN AND FLAT OUT LIE!\"

"PERFECT!" "ANOTHER RAPE GUINEA PIG HAS VOLUNTEERED THEMSELVES TO BE EXPLOITED BY BIG PHARMA!" 

"OH, AND HE'S BLACK TOO! WE CAN DO WHATEVER WE WANT THEN. LET'S TELL HIM HE NEEDS HIS BOOSTER SHOT TO GET IN THE PSYCHE WARD AND INJECT HIM WITH ANTI-FERTILITY NANO-BOTS THAT SUCK OUT ALL OF HIS SEMEN AND CONVERT IT INTO POWER FOR OUR MEANS"

i didnt know any shamans or saints, shit I was just waking up.

AH YES!. I FORGOT ABOUT MY PERFECT DATA REPOSITORY OF SAINTS AND SHAMANS THAT I KEPT ON ME ON THE OFF CHANCE THAT I WOULD HAVE A SPIRITUAL AWAKENING!

no, i had to do what i always do, work on my own shit myself, responsibly, without anyone knowing.

i had to be something i "wasn't" in order  to ACTUALLY HAVE A FUCKING BRAIN FOR ONCE.

you know, I see so many people, draggin others through their messes because they are too afraid to clean them up on their own.

i see too many people flocking together, because they are too bored, unrealized, or unimaginative to ever keep their own selves company.

i see a whole society where everyone is scared of themselves.

and im like shit, what the fuck do YOU have to complain about.

YOU HAVEN''T

DONE

THOUGHT

OR SAID ANYTHING

OUTSIDE OF THE PROGRAMMED

BUBBLE

OF HUMAN EXISTENCE

ALL OF YOUR PROBLEMS ARE COMMON PROBLEMS

HOW CAN U COMPLAIN

U EVER HAD TO APOLOGIZE TO YOURSELF FOR HATING SOMEONE AS CLOSE AS YOUR OWN MOTHER FOR SO LONG

U EVER HAD TO ADMIT THAT YOU WERE WRONG, WITH SOMETHING AS PAINFULLY CLOSE AS YOUR SEXUALITY?

U EVER HAD TO SIT THERE, AND FEEL THE DIRTYNESS OF YOUR OWN NEGLECT, LONG ENOUGH FOR THE ROOM OF REASON KNOWN AS YOUR BODY TO START BEING CLEAN

U EVER BEEN TOLD TO STOP BEING SO SENSITIVE, AND TOOK  IT ALL THE WAY TO NOT FEELING, AND THEN, 20 YEARS LATER, YOU HAD TO START TELLING YOURSELF TO BE MORE SENSITIVE AND TAKING IT TO WHERE YOU CANNOT AVOID FEELING AT ALL?

YOU EVER HAD TO ANALYZE YOUR EVERY THOUGHT, AND REALIZE  THAT 90% OF THEM YOU DO NOT WANT, AND THEY DO NOT SERVE YOU. AND TO NOT ONLY HAVE THAT REALIZATION, BBUT TO BE CRAZY AND STUPID ENOUGH TO SAY THAT I CAN CHANGE HOW I THINK TO HOW I WANT TO THINK, NO MATTER WHAT!

IM FIGHTING MYSELF AND THE WHOLE FUCKING WORLD HERE CUT ME SOME FUCKING SLACK U PIECES OF SHIT!