i dont have anything on my mind right now but to write
i want to write about alot of things
these are helpful things i have thought of lately
"Patience is the Absence of Impulsion"
when we are patient, we are able to curtail what is right in front of us for what is significantly more important, what's "not right in front of us"
we are able to see the bigger picture, by not being slaves to the immediate.
not being slaves to the aesthetic.
all we are now is impatient souls, running around, making zero progress, but assumed activity in the right direction of life.
I don't believe this world rewards patience
Patience is a higher concept.
Patience will have you in voluntary pain
Patience will have you missing out on everything
Patience will be there IN THE BEST POSSIBLE MOMENT.
When we are impatient, we take anything. We do anything. We say yes to any and everything. And we damn sure overcommit,.
When we are patient, we take the right thing, at the right time. No wasted movement. No unneccessary set-backs.
You learn alot more from observing one thing for a long time, then you do for observing many different things in that same "long time".
i learned more studying "Take The A Train" on piano, then I would learn if I tried to commit to more than one jazz standard at once.
"BUT I WANT TO DO IT ALL!"
i know, i know.
i know you do.
the last thing our generation wants to do, is to committ.
the pain of those burnings are still there on my heart.
loving a non-comittal person is like loving yourself.
you just can't all the way.
to go on a tangent, because I myself am an impulsively impatient wreck, I think that there will always be things that I hate about myself.
Not necessarily hate, but not necessarily loved either.
These things are just free to roam with me. Do I like how I am a charmer? No,. not really. I feel like real love is hard to find when you can convince anybody to like you......for the moment.
But am I suppresing that charm.....I can't at this point. It just goes, and its such a deep part of me that it just goes with me being me.
thats love, letting things be............
anyways, impatience is believing that whatever it is you want to achieve, cannot be achieved in a time that suites you.
patience is the knowing that it will come, and not caring when.
patience is trust in inaction
courage is faith in action
patience is faith in inaction
when you are patient, you can have faith that things will work themselves out, always and eternally.
the goal is certain
when you are impatient, you believe that the goal is incertain.
Why are people impatient?
i think that people are impatient because they rely too heavily upon their limited form. They rely too heavily upon their finite logic. Impatient people are probably some of the most "reasonable" people I know.
Their reason is this "if i ain't workin, it'll never happen".
That quote above is true, but as a certified and clinically diagnosed "workaholic", I can tell you that that truth is but only a half of the bigger picture.
The bigger picture is "Let go and Let God"
Now, when I say let go and let god, it can mean the complete absence of all work.....
there was a time in my life, where i was doing heavily foundational shadowork, "entering the dark night of the soul", for a period of about two years, from march 2020 to february 2022.
in fact, I am still doing shadowwork, every single day, but now I am at a point where I can "move with it".
When I was first getting started, I could not move. I was completely paralyzed. Not physically, but mentally, spiritually, emotionally, yes.
I had to exhibit patience, to the utmost degree.
I was living in my parents room, our little tiny 1000 sq. ft home, while sharing a room with my 16 year old brother, Cassius.
Cassius and I were cool, but during this time I spent the majority of my time in nature.
I could not be around my family, even though me and my brother were sleeping 4 feet apart from each other, on our twin sized mattresses.
I was 21 at the time, and my brother was 16.
The reason why I bring up my brother is because he probably was able to feel every bit of how I felt at times.
In fact, the entirety of my family was able to feel how I felt, whenever I was not in the nature that our home provided.
So there was no faking the funk, no matter how much I was silent
I was silent the whole time. I knew that I could not explain it to them, not at that moment. They were a part of the reason i was there, in the shadow realm, picking up the rejected discards of my soul, but on the outside it looked like iwas a lazy fucking bum who just played video games.
And so, that was in my head the entire time, as added pressure to my already harrowing internal pursuits.
My mom would let me know that she hated me, every time she looked at me, she was so disgustingly mad at me.
She can never forgive me for dropping out of college for a full ride, i dont think......
That was here dream.....to have such "supporting" parents........
and here I am, the oldest, setting a "terrible example" for my brothers and sisters.
I remember vividly, that there was one time in particular when I was working with my dad.
My step-dad actually, my real dad didn't give enough of a shit about anybody but himself to not stick it inside of my mom and leave.
but who can blame him, my mom is a total fucking bitch.......
anyways, my step-dad is an electrician. I could call him up right now and ask him if I can work a job with him. He is a really successful Capricorn Native Detroiter, who I love and cherish deeply, but you know, we have different ideas about life that i have never been outside of the hierarchal relationship enough to express.
So we got this one job fixing up this hut of a house on the eastside of Detroit. Real shack. It made my home look small, about 777 sq ft, aT the most, ya know?
Its just me and my dad, and we are re-wiring the entire house from scratch.
drilling holes, attaching wires to the snake eyed poles with electrical tape, running the wire through the holes, hoping to god nothing breaks inside of the hole because the hole is in the ceiling in a place where we cant reach it, me feeling inferior and unhelpful the entire time, like i usually do around my folx.
i kept on fucking up by not moving fast enough, or not being proactive enough, or not knowing what to do like an experienced electrician would.
my dad told me one day, at the end of the job, "you don't want to do this shit. if you did, you would be looking some shit up".
you are right dad, i dont want to do electrical work. And it is not because I dont want to learn something new, its because you never try to teach me anything.
You never showed me anything really, you just were at work, and expected me to be at work with you.
how can you ever expect somebody to do something, when you dont invest any time in teaching them how to do it.
but my dad is a silent, lead by example type of guy.
so naturally, i was raised to be a submissive little bitch who doesnt question anything, follows the most stupid of orders, and knows everything already.
I think my parents gave up on me a long time ago after seeing how smart i was.
They used to say things like "you are too smart for your own good", or "you think you know everything"
its easy to know everything when everytime you hear a piece of advice, its negatively charged with emotion, and its due to the fact that YOU DID SOMETHING WRONG THAT YOUR PARENTS CANNOT ACCEPT AS ACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOR.
my parents have never proactively tried to teach me anything.
the last time my mom sat down and taught me something was when she tried to teach me how to read.
even then, I couldn't get it until i learned on my own.
my parents are not good teachers
they are too impatient.
they think that enjoying themselves is more important than wasting their lives on us fuck ass kids.
but the reason why we are fuck ass kids is simply becauase "we don't listen to them."
its fucking retarded.
no responsibility or accountability is taken on their account for how they make us feel, and then whenever you bring that up, "we are ungrateful".
the reason why we don't listen, is because, somewhere deep down the line, our parents didn't listen to us.....
and that shit is so painful, that i know for myself personally, it resonates with my daredevil and innovative attitude.
i am like fuck authority of all kinds. I do not like to be told what to do, even if it is the greatest piece of advice in the world.
I AM SO USED TO PEOPLE SO USED TO HAVING EVERY INTEREST INVOLVED IN THE RELATIONSHIP BUT MY OWN, AND PEOPLE SO POWERFUL AND HYPOCRITICAL AND DISHONEST ENOUGH TO ADMIT THAT FACT, TELLING ME WHAT TO DO, HOW TO BEHAVE, WHAT TO THINK, WHAT IS TRULY POSSIBLE FOR ME, THAT I DO NOT IN THE FUCKING SLIGHTEST WANT TO EVER NOT BE IN A POSITION OF POWER EVER AGAIN.
i have found out my secret drive. AUTHORITY SUCKS FUCKING DICK! I MUST BE AN AUTHORITY, BECAUSE I HATE FUCKING AUTHORITY IN THE FIRST PLACE, AND I CANNOT ALLOW THE WRONG AUTHORITY TO SCREW ANOTHER GENERATION oF HUMAN BEINGS HEADS UP.
because my parents were impulsive and impatient, i have a step-dad, and my real dad.
My real dad's name is Jerry Mixon. He lives in Merced, California currently, and he left me and my 20 year old mom when I was one year old.
he was like 26 or 30 or some shit.
they met because my mom worked at the only mcdonalds, IN XENIA FUCKING OHIO OF ALL PLACES.
and where do you think I get my looks and charm from?
hook line and sinker
badda bing, badda boom.
so naturally, I do not respect men that much because my dad left me so early.
I can easily be like fuck men, I can easily go on twitter and amass a following of misanders, I can tell my story of my daddy leaving me, but no, I choose to get up every day and blame nothing and nobody for my problems, NOT EVEN MYSELF!
My mom and step-dad were impatient as well.
I met him when I was four
We had my brother when I was five
after that, my whole life started to change
I started to get more and more and more and more distant from my reality.
I had told my mother that I did not like that I was having a little brother from a guy I barely knew, but now he is my step-dad?
and this guy made me feel uncomfortable every single time I had seen him.
I had to hide all of the feminine energy that I naturally was able to express with my mom.
the playfulness was gone
life had got a helluva lot more serious.
i couldn't spend any time with my mother. Tina and Jon were always doing something, together, without me.
It was right there when I felt like I was rejected. I was abandoned. I was discarded. I was lonely
at five years old, I had lost my best friend in the world, my mom, and I have never gotten it back.
She went from tina, to mom.
"I am not your friend. i am your parent"
those words shouldn't bother me, but they did, and they still do.
i had told my mom how i felt, "I DONT WANT TO HAVE A BABY BROTHER", and she just didnt care.
in fact, she got angry that I felt such a way.
BITCH I DONT EVEN KNOW THE NIGGAS NAME!
I THOUGHT MY STEPDAD'S NAME WAS "GOTTI" FOR YEARS!
but no, whenever a kid voices themselves, IN ANY WAY THAT IS UNCOMFORTABLE OR DISPLEASING TO THE CHILD, it is a huge, schedule A, class 5 problem.
before jon, me and my mom did everything together, after jon, she grew emotionally distant from me.
things got a whole lot colder.
and I have been trying to be warm ever since.
but its like man
i can never love anybody but myself.......
i cant love my mom the way i want
definitely not my two dads,
its hard.
and when you do find it
its free, so you cannot even guarantee its arrival, or its departure.
its like how are we ever supposed to live, knowing that no one can actually see you?
not everything you do for others, but what you do for yourself.
how can anybody see that?
when your mom, the literal closest point of contact between a human being that you will ever have, can't ever see you. won't ever see you. refuses to see you.
wants to keep you exactly where you are at.
it is wrong. the second you bring it up, all of the defensive tropes come about.
"children are disrespectful. WhAT ABOUT ME. YOU ARE NOT BEING EMPATHETIC TO HOW I FEEL'.
its like goddamn mom u are 46 years old.
please just grow the fuck up already.
the only reason why i am doing this is
NOT TO BLAME
BUT TO HEAL.
and you cant see that because all you do is blame to avoid the pain
to avoid the pain of healing.
AND U GAVE ME FUCKING SHIT EVERY FUCKING DAY IN THAT TIRED ASS, SMALL ASS, TOXIC AS HELL HOME, FOR NOT DOING ANYTHING BUT FOCUSING ON MYSELF AND HEALING FROM THE BULLSHIT THAT THIS BLACK SHEEP HAD ABSORBED FROM THE INSECURITIES OF YOU?
i could cry so fucking hard right now. i want to shed so many unshed tears.
i dont feel as if I can ever say fuck myparents. I love them too deeply. I have too many unmet needs in that area to feel as if I can write them off and forget about it.
but then again, i realize right now, that the love that i receive will only match the love they have for themselves.
i will never receive the love that i want from my parents. all of the suffering in our relationship is due to the fact that, no matter what, we can never change on anything but our own volition.
PARENTS CANNOT ACKNOWLEDGE THEIR CHILDREN'S FREE WILL.
i acknowledge my free will
i am free from the toxic relationships of my past, family included.
FAMILY IS NOT IMMUNE TO CRITICISM.
TALK ABOUT YOUR FAMILY'S BULLSHIT, EVEN IF YOU CONTRIBUTE TO IT.
EVEN IF YOU ARE DISOWNED
AT LEAST YOU WILL BE FREE
Comments
Post a Comment