list of personal doubts

1. I can't express myself fully. the source of this doubt stems from various experiences over my childhood. not only is this doubt the most prevalent doubt of all doubts that I have. This doubt runs very deep.

When I was four years old, I told my mom that I wasn't going into the bathtub. I didn't want to go and get washed. a struggled ensued. she had grabbed me and slammed me down into the tub, accidently breaking my femur.

The worst part was lying to the doctor and saying that I fell down the stairs or some shit.

Not only did I get punished for being myself, a rebellious twot, I also had to punish myself by not being truthful

This trauma has many layers

The first layer was the fact that my mother hurted me, both physically and mentally and emotionally, but although the leg healed, the emotional damage ran deep

I think afterwards my whole personality shifted

I became quite, reserved, withdrawn, lonely, sad, depressed, anxious.

Whenever my mom raises her voice at me, to this day I quell up and don't say anything.

It has persisted for 18 years

I do not have an intimate relationship with my mother

the state of our relationship has more or less been the same for 18 years

my mother used to tell me to stop crying, boy's don't cry

so I stopped crying, but I accidently repressed most of all of my negative emotions

I felt like I ccouldn't be anything less than perfect to be loved

even then, as a kid, I knew I could never be perfect, so I thought I could never be loved

even now, I don't ask for help. intimacy is non-existent for me. I rather do every single thing on my own. its fucking miserable

my dad was no better. for years I demonized him, as some sort of ogre that I didn't completely understand, and was too painful to look at. I feel like I got cheated. I didn't have a childhood. I didn't have a regular childhood. but how can I compare my childhood to anybody or anything. that's childish in and of itself and inane to think about. 

I have to apply my post-childhood love to my pre-adulthood self.

I have to realize that my parents didn't, and still don't, have a fucking clue about me or how to parent me or how to approach me and my life.

I have to accept the responsibility that even though I was a child, it was equally my fault for my parents raising me the way that they did

I have to take the childish notion of having cool, loving, sympathetic, parents who understand me out of my head, and lower on my priority list.

I have to accept my parents for who they are, and act accordingly

I have to accept my childhood as a natural part of my story

I have to integrate with my pain

I have to learn that if I don't get suplexed through a bathtub, then the pain for speaking my mind is nothing.

I have to be one with my past, and use the past me as a link to the future, allow the past to be, as a past perfect moment, and realize that my childhood was perfect just how it is, BUT I HAVE THE POWER NOW TO DO WHAT I WANT.

I ALLOW MYSELF TO UNSHACKLE THE CHAINS OF THE PAST FROM MY ENERGY FIELD.