thoughts about me

I've been feeling really anxious lately, like I do not exist. I am in the painstaking position where I see my vision as clear as day, but nobody else can see it. It's true that nobody else can see it generally, but I am not asking for the help that I need here I guess. I feel like support is such an unselfish thing. You shouldn't have to ask for help, but in this world you do. So Ms. Universe, Mr. Omnipotent, please do what you do and allow me to be the biggest and brightest star that I could possibly be in this galaxy. I want to be a storehouse of energy for others, and have my flimsy little rays provide enough warmth for others to feed themselves. I really want to have the biggest voice that any human being has ever had. 

I feel like nothing but good comes rom me, even the bad is a better good. I hope that it comes across to every person that I meet that I have a genuine concern for them. I have divine intentions, and almost everything that I do is for the benefit of others. Music, shit music is the mack daddy of them all! I have an almost sickening humanitarian vision that is heavily intertwined with my music. I want to make people feel how I felt listening to "Needles in the Camels Eye" for the first time, full. I want to give to people, through my music, a feeling of richness. Of indulgence. Of splendor. Of you don't have to worry about shit just follow along and enjoy the ride. And, pardon me for having a brain, but I want to give this richness to as many people who are open to receiving it. I really make music to help others, and to help myself in the process.

What happens though, when you are the only person who believes the way that your vision needs to be believed in. Who cherishes your vision as much as life itself. Who is constantly breathing life into your vision no matter how "appearances" may be. Appearances are temporary, it will pass. I know this, and being patient helps, but GODDAMMNNIT I HAPPEN TO BE ONE RESTLESS SON OF A BITCH. WHY WON'T ALL OF YOU PLEBIANS JUST BOW DOWN TO ME AND ACCEPT ME FOR WHO I AM, THE GREATEST TO EVER DO THE SHIT! Sorry, that was Margerette talking, she takes over for me sometimes. Me and Margerette are the same, just different parts of the same whole.

So yeah, I have been really anxious over these past couple of months. Nothing will get you wanting to fly out of a 30 story building than the summer heat, boy I tell ya. I feel like nobody gives me the validation, the accolades, the credit, the approval that I deserve, but I also feel like nobody knows me. Not a single soul knows how awesome I am but me. You guys hear the music and hear a cool sound, or innovation, or whatever you want to hear. I am already there to the point where I am considered one of the greatest musical geniuses to have ever existed. I am at that point already, and it is so hard seeing others not believe in me as much as they did before I dropped out of school. Ok, I decided im not going to play the game how you want me to play it, but that doesn''t mean that my way won't work. My way WILL WORK! It has to, for I believe in it so much that it has to.

Those that call me naïve for wanting to believe in such music are naïve themselves because they truly do not understand how the universe functions. I do not know what I am waiting on though, but I know that I will do everything that I see in my head doing, and I see success. I see myself living in a castle, sitting in a snug little felt armchair in the library, surrounded by thousands of books, and loving every second of it. I can see myself yelling at my daughters for sliding around on the ladders, and I can see myself being positively freaked out by all the space that I have.

You might look at my music and say "it's good, but it's not that good". Ok, first of all, I'm not trying to compare myself to anybody, impress anybody, be better than anybody, or anything. I'm just being me, and EVERY SINGLE PERSON WHO HAS PUT GENUINE MUSIC WAS JUST BEING THEMSELVES. Prince was being himself. Kanye West is being himself. Bowie was being himself. Fuck you for judging ME BEING ME. Second of all, even if my music is ass right now, you don't think that it has any chance of improving at all? Third of all, my music isn't ass to those who understand it. My music is something that is going to be studied, to be shared across the world, to be given to those who need a pick me up, to be played at venues, to be played at parties, MY MUSIC IS IT BITCH! IM STILL A LITTLE BABY IN MY MUSICAL JOURNEY CUT ME SOME SLACK. IF U COMPARE MY MUSIC TO THINGS, THEN YES IT WILL BE ASS. BUT IF YOU LET MY MUSIC BE, THEN YOU'LL REALIZE HOW MUCH OTHERS NEED IT.

THERE IS NO DESIRE. IT IS A NECCESSITY AT THIS POINT. THE WORLD NEEDS YOU DORIAN, IT REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY EALLY REALLY DOES!

Everytime I listen to an anomaly song, I amaze myself, I get excited, I share it, and little to no response. But I am on a very hard path. I am the only one pushing the ship, I'm not on anywhere but one place, and I am not selling my spirit out for anybody or anything. I am creating my own genre, and I am in the middle of a "pandemic". I don't know how to connect well with others anymore. I don't even know if anyone will read this. This is just between you and me, but I do not feel like I will find my tribe until after i'm gone. I just want to go back home. Sometimes I hold my breathe to get the feeling of what it is like on the other side, and its nothing but pure bliss. I don't care about material matters as much as others, in fact not at all really. But finding people who nourish you spiritually is a really hard thing to do. I feel like I haven't been able to become close with anyone, not even myself. There are secrets that I am hiding between me and me, and there are fears that allow me to live this closeted life that I am getting everso bored of. As of right now, I am typing this in the room that I have been living in since I was 9. I think its time to move on Dorian, nobody understands you here. The only thing stopping me from exiting the game is all of the possibilities it presents.

im still a virgin for christs sakes. my ancestors would've been dead already. My biggest fear is dying without a sexual encounter, and as I talk to more and more women it seems more and more likely.

I really don't understand people my age, I feel like how I've always felt, I do not belong here. Something about this place just doesn't add up. I know for a fact that if I were to be my true self here, all hell would break loose. So I am trying to find that one place where I can openly and candidly discuss my undying love and fetishization of body odors, darkness, and the insane.

I feel alienated, but then again I just remember the hardest fact about life, you are all that you have Dorian. There probably will never be another person that you can get along with long enough to call them something. Idk I feel utterly hopeless in the romance department. It's like other people can get along so easily, they can find someone that kindof fits what they are looking for, or they at least have the balls to "compromise" and pretend that the person that they are with provides them with a meaningful relationhip, even though everyone knows that it isn't. I just can't fake the funk, and I always feel like I am hated around women. Like I don't hold up to their expectations. like I can't seem to give them hat they want. Women are shalw and superficial creatures anyways. I don't think two human beings can truly love each other for who they are, unless survival is not an issue. For most people, money and survival are an issue, so people fall into these commercial trappings and call it love. It's sickening really.

I want someone to share my little cauchemares, my quaint poems, my ideas, my energy with. But I am not lucky enough to be stupid enough to not have standards. I know for a fact that there is something subconsciously that puts women off, and my appearances and life decisions don't help either. But the appeaances are superficial and shallow, and if somebody loves you they love you I guess. I guess. I feel like the only true source of love is between you and you, everything else is either expected (family), or forced. Only when two beings that love themselves come about can they have the courage to do what it truly takes to love another human being, in which you cannot control in any way possible.

I'm tired. Whenever I blow this popsicle stand and move about, I'll tell everyone to start calling me Baggy, because ya boi is a schleepy boi. I always got some bags underneath my eyes, and yet sleep is the thing that I look forward to in life. I get to go home for a couple of hours every day, away from the nonsense of this world. Plus I have a 12th house mars in virgo, so my energy is always locked away, fighting some battles subconsciously, waiting to be used in the dreamworld. I get tired easily, I get nervous easily, I overthink things, and I really don't have energy to spare unless I really believe in what I am doing. I always have this vague sense of dread that some obscure detail that I misconstrued will impact my life in a major way, trust me they have.

I don't know what the point of writing this was, so there was no point in reading it. OUR SOCIETY HAS ENGINEERED US INTO THINKING THAT THERE HAS TO BE A POINT, A REWARD, SOME SORT OF COMPENSATION FOR EVERYTHING THAT WE DO. OUR SOCIETY HAS ELIMINATEDFUN OUT OF THE QUESTION. NOBODY GOES TO THE CLUB JUST TO GO TO THE CLUB. THEY GO TO THE CLUB TO GET LAID. NOBODY GOES TO CHURCH JUST TO GO TO CHURCH. THEY GO TO CHURCH TO GET GOOD WITH GOD. NOBODY KNOWS HOW TO TRULY ENJOY THEMSELVES IN THE RICHEST COUNTRY IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD. EVERYBODY IS ANXIOUS FOR NO REASON WHATSOEVER. ITS ALL HELL IN A HANDBASKET. LOVE YOU HOUSTON, GOODNIGHT!