Externalities leads to HELL

I've got to better. I've got to better to my fellow human being, my fellow vessels of energy, my fellow perfect ideas. I've got to better man. I've been slacking, getting soft, lazy, despondent, conforming to my comrades, becoming what I absolutely despise the most out of anything else in this entire world, a common man living a common existence.

God how its so displeasing. God how its so terrifyingly displeasing to live life externally. To live life based on things as shallow, as fleeting, as inextorably unreliable as appearances. If I got my left ear chopped off, would I not be the same Dorian? Would I be treated, considered, and approached differently just because I have one ear less, would I not be the person you were talking to a week ago. Would you treat my abnormality with some type of reproach, some type of psychological trappings that never get sorted out, a "who does this guy thinks he is, chopping his ear off because he felt like it.", even though the person standing before you is you yourself in a different light?

I just want to live in a world where people see me for me, and I have come to the  harrowing conclusion that that world just simply does not exist. Nor will it ever exist, more than likely. They see what I do, what I say, how I look, my smile, my body posture, the flab of fat on my belly, my skin, my music, my doodles, my opinions, my hair, what I ate for breakfast, oh how its easy to see all of those things. But, it is harder to look past all of that, and see the person, the being, the HUMANITY behind the human. That viewpoint is actively and aggressively being eradicated by modern day education systems, or centers for the indoctrination of the fallible youth.

To see deeper than just the actions, the outside happenings, is to truly see life for what it is. It is not an illusion, I'll tell you that much. Its a dream. Allow for me to clarify the two. When I go an I see an optical illusion such as the famous "oh is it a candle or is it a woman's face" gag, it is my mind taking an external stimuli, and giving its own internal meaning based on said stimuli. If I can't understand it, which is mostly everything, then my brain finds its own meaning. Eyes playing tricks on us. But the meaning I come up with in my mind isn't necessarily the right or wrong meaning, there is just a natural and unnatural way to live. So you see, when people experience external circumstances or stimuli, especially during childhood where we don't know anything about psychology or the subconscious mind or faith outside of what is taught to us, or what we find out on our own, they carve up their own meanings, their own illusions. With most people, however, they don't even realize that the illusions that they cling on to are illusions, for one, and that they were illusions given to them by external reasonings. Here we have an energetic being, reacting to external stimuli, internalizing the illusion produced by the external stimuli, but the illusion itself manipulated this energetic being into believing an illusion produced by the illusion itself. It's a kind of trickery that is hard to describe, to a diagram might help:

You see lets start with me. Me is ATMAN, Self, all that there is, the inextricable force that allows for all things to be, natures regularities (I couldn't be ballsy enough to call them rules or laws, for if we deem it as a law, then there would be no more rooms for any mysteries or growth. Defining nature is like your boss at work telling you that if you can't hold a liter of water in your hands then you are fired, a completely unfair, trite, and arbitrary occurance), conceptless, for whatever concept we could come up with is so undeserving of its greatness.

Me is right there helping me breathe, giving me guidance, feeding me in more ways than one, the source of everything, and we are lucky enough to all be born with a part of "IT" inside of us, for some strange reason. You could say that us as a species, our only true redeeming quality lies in the fact that we ourselves are "IT", no matter where we come from or what we look like. This is the lens that I try to view the world in, I try to find that "IT" with others. Sometimes people are so scared of showing it that its hard to find, and other times it jumps right across the page, hits you in the back of the head with pure bliss, throws you in the back of the trunk of destiny's car, and takes you to lala land. Its always way more fun when people show their "ITS" off, its like damn man i'd never thought in a million years that I could be This way? ya know? But then again, we live in this world of illusion, where if anybody shows their "IT" a little too much, flaunts their "IT' a little too daintily, if someone is promenading with their "IT" a little too proudly, then it is the utmost duty and obligation of every single person around "MR IT" to snuff him into conformity, or to shun him into isolation. So here we have the most confoundingly flabbergastingly demoralizing happening in the happening of all happenings where everybody is everything all the time, has superpowers, and are born in a world that is all gung-ho about giving everybody that showed up at the damn party all of the booze, coke, acid, pussy, money, indolences, exdolences that you want, because everybody really in the know knows how much you wanted to show up to this party, how hard it was to get here, and HOW MUCH FUN YOU DESPERATELY WANT TO HAVE, AND  THEY ARE WILLING TO MAKE IT SO.

Yes, yes my dear readers. I know how much fun you truly want to have in this party of life. I know the disparate chatters of your spirit. I know the disillusionment that you have for the lame parties that everybody is floating around the common people, telling them "This is your life and nothing more". I know the gnawing pain at the back of your head telling you to do more, be more, be better to your human beings, SHOW ME OFF GODDAMMITT. I AM IT. I AM ALL THAT THERE IS. HOW THE FUCK LONGER DO YOU PLAN ON CONTAINING ME, THE UNCONTAINABLE? HOW MUCH LONGER DO YOU PLAN ON KEEPING THIS ACT, THIS PITY PARTY, THIS VICTIM OF CIRCUMSTANCE? HOW LONG DO YOU WANT TO PRETEND THAT YOU DON'T WANT WHAT YOU WANT? HOW LONG ARE YOU GOING TO PRETEND THAT YOU ARE SMALL, SCARED, BATTED, BRUISED, DONE, I QUIT, IM DONE WITH LIFE, HUH? WHAT THE FUCK ELSE ARE WE DOING HUH? SO YOU ARE GOING TO STAND RIGHT THERE AND SUPPRESS ME, IT? I'M NOT GOING AWAY! IM NEVER GOING AWAY! IM GONNA HAUNT YOU AND BE YOUR SOURCE OF ANXIETY AND FEAR AND DREAD AND WORRY AND MEANINGLESSNESS UNTIL YOU LEARN TO TRUST ME. TO HAVE FAITH IN ME. TO GIVE INTO YOUR DESIRES. FOR I AM YOU. JUST AS A SNAKE IS NOTHING WITHOUT HIS TAIL, OUR RELATIONSHIP IS THE SAME. IM LEARNING JUST AS MUCH AS YOU ARE. 

Then we like to quell this urge, this fundamental pain to the human existence, by not facing the problem head on, but by trying to get as far away from ourselves as we possibly can. Thank God for the internet. We can distract ourselves by passively engaging in activities that pull us away from ourselves. Key phrase, pulls us away from ourselves. I can name them, but we know them. Thus, we get away from ourselves and engage in the world of illusion, the mind.

Just as in life, all things come together in their own natural way. What folly is it for most human beings to not understand that they are apes! They are filthy animals! They abide by and conform to the "rules" of nature, just like the rest! Now nature is a very calculating place, so much so that our puny finite minds deems it as chaos. Although, Alan Watts once told me "what is discordant and chaos at one level is the most perfect harmony at the highest level" So all this discord we see of gazelles being eaten by lions, cheetahs engaging in turf wars with hyenas, pirahnas voraciously eating the little lemmings that had the misfortune of being in their presence,  the condors swooping low and eating the lowliest of decaying flesh on the floor of mother earth's humble abode, the miniscule amoebas floating around, procreating and consuming bacteria in our lower intestines, all of it is there because it is necessary to the highest order of being. Without it, we wouldn't be able to be at all. That is where the phrase "we are all interdependent upon one another" stems from. Sure you might have a shitty factory job. But without your job, I probably wouldn't have been able to type these words to you because you quit your job and now the dell factory has a shortage of laptops. I exaggerate a little, but do not ever think for a second that the world does not need you, that you are insignificant, that the world will be a better place with or without you, I need you, I depend on you, I love you, I cherish you, I appreciate you, I think you are a pretty swell creature, because if I am not mistaken, then you are a human reading these words. Oh how remarkable a thing it is, to be a human equipped  with language.

All of these things are made possible by the mind. The mind is a marvelous place filled with trapdoors, oases, cauchemares and healing stations, possibilities and treasures still yet unknown to us. The mind itself is a network of information, connected by the main server as in the way that an internet provider uses servers to distribute the internet and information efficiently enough to where we don't complain that often about bad internet. Well, lets replace the internet with the main source of intelligence, the servers for our minds, and the computers for our body. Just as I cannot tap into the internet or servers without involving an instrument capable of doing so, such as a phone or a laptop, I cannot connect and tap into the servers of life without my main instrument, my body.

The body and the mind are inseparable. You cannot have one without the other. And the "IT" is the sim card, the router, idk how to describe it, but the thing that allows you to function on the internet.

Since we are able to connect to these different servers, these different minds, at will for the most part, we are able to use these servers to our advantage or disadvantage. Listen, idk why other animals are born with their purpose and role already established, and we got something as wonky as "free will", which is a debate that I do not know much about, so please give me one freebie as to how our why we use these servers the way we do. Since we can gather so much information and process it through the mind, we can either harmoniously vibrate with higher or lower frequencies. Higher frequencies create, lower frequencies negate. I don't believe in destruction, I believe in the negation of space. Removing something from space is necessary sometimes, but nothing is really destroyed, the atoms just decided that it was time to move on to a bigger and better party. But the atoms that make you and me are much older than we realize, and are not going anywhere anytime soon.

Now our mind can hold on to and store frequencies in our body somehow. We do this with stress, anxiety, dis-ease, so on and so forth. But the mind can also harbor negative frequencies within itself. in fact, I believe that only after continual training of the subconscious mind through auto-suggestion is where all disease starts. We are perfect ideas born with perfect bodies, how can negative energy pass through unless we harmoniously resonate with that negative energy? How can something of a lower vibration supercede or even exist in the field of a higher vibration. How can 2 ever possibly be greater than 4? Unless our illusions support those things.

Before I go into how the ideas or illusions we hold in our head shapes us, I want to talk about emotions. Everything I have said thus far is not based on hard external theories or facts, they are based on experiences and wisdom that my gut is telling me needs to be extrapolated in my own unique way. For what I am telling you is about as old as dirt. It must be useful however, because imagine all of the variables that had to have come into place for this knowledge to be passed along all the way down from the ancient civilizations of the past into this current crapshoot that we call an iteration of human history.

So if you have been reading this based off of pure left-brained mechanical processes such as thinking, reasoning, logic, communication, then I am sorry to say that the power emanating from these words I give to you will not hit home. In fact, almost anything that I do will not hit home unless you have some glimpse of the power behind these words.

But who am I, to see and know and feel your pain, to see you grasping for straws, clinging to the newest world promising tit, aware of the pained look on your face as you suck on its vile bile. Who am I. but to be lucky enough to taste a few droplets of the sweet nectar oozing out from Self, WHO AM I TO NOT WANT TO SHARE WHAT I TRULY AND DEEPLY KNOW! I'D BE THE MOST DEPLORABLE SPEC OF DUST TO EVER WANDER THE EARTH IF I WERE OT TO EMPLOY THIS FEELING OF ABSOLUTENESS UPON A WORD WHICH NEEDS IT?

Just how the waters of a stream flow to and fro, so is the world of emotion. Emotions are energies in motion. Forr some reason, us human beings were blessed with a toolset well beyond the realm of communication between us and others, well beyond words. In fact, we use words as a tertiary substitute for the displaying of emotions. You were told when you were little, "don't hit your brother use your words", weren't you? In fact, dare that I may, I could make a case that, functionally, the only reason we use words is to describe how we feel.

How we feel? Whoa, am I telling you that all of the basic units of life mechanisms is based on how you FEEL? well not in all cases. there are times where even though you feel a certain way, the numbers don't make sense, and so the numbers make you feel against that decision. But I tell you, from seeing most people who are playing the game fully, they always do things that do not make sense, based on how they feel. They trust themselves enough to give their own feelings the validation they crave, and just go with their gut.

I feel my writing style shifting because I am encountering new territory. I don't really kno, nor do I have the answers. I have some guides, not the anwers. I really am in a quandary when it come to emotions. Sometimes I feel like they stem from my heart, others my gut, and some my mind. For example, whenever I have serious loops of negativity, as I am subject to more often than people think, it usually is energy trapped within my mind. The front of my head becomes all tense, and those funks take a while to get out of. I'll let you in on a little secret though, whenever I do decide to get out of the funk, it was literally because I reconnected with "IT". It wasn't due to any external stimuli, just a good ole fashioned reminding me of who I am.

I can honestly say that emotions like love, which is almost impossible to describe and has the very quaint feeling of healing when it comes around, joy, desire (is desire an emotion), and all of the secrets of the body, the mind, and the spirit, all culminate into the domain of the heart. It's weird, listening to your heart. Whenever I do, its always a swarm of humanity calling out something, bouncing off of each others flesh like slinkies, having a good time. It is really hard to describe, but I feel like the heart stores the energy frequencies of every living thing that I have ever contacted, and if I just close my eyes and listen to a certain person, how they made me feel, etc..., then it is as if they were right there, smiling, lovingly embracing me as their own, no matter the distance. You should try it.

I know for a fact that positive emotions like courage, faith, confidance, self-esteem, discipline, lies in the gut. In fact, whenever I need to pick myself up, my gut starts screaming ''YOU ARE THE BEST. THE GREATEST. NOBODY'S GOT IT LIKE YOU DO. OH YOU HAVE A WAY WITH WORDS, OF COURSR ALL THE LADIES DIG YOU DORIAN. EVERYTHING YOU WANT IS ALREADY HERE. You need to have a good gut on your side man, because everything is designed to keep you small, and your gut always reminds you of your infinity man. It's absolutely beautiful, and I am shedding a few tears on the keyboard thinking about ALL THE TIME THE I DIDNT REALIZE IT WAS RIGHT FUCKING THERE. You got to be your own encouragement, your own pick-me-up, your own feel good playlist, or else people will always find a way to get at you and make you smaller.

As far as where emotion stems from, I think it really starts with the mind. We have the power to attract frequencies, and our thoughts are frequencies that contain information that we are able to decode. But talking to ourselves is not necessarily thinking. I don't know what thins dialogue thing in my head is, where it came from, or why we have it. But talking to yourself is not thinking. Thinking involves thought, other thoughts. True thinking is molding the thoughts of your world into an outcome desirable to you. We don't think that often, for true thought requires action, for what are we, but a collection of thoughts interacting with other collections of thoughts? Talking to yourself is not thinking, but a lot of the hiccups comes from the fact that you are thinking when you are talking to yourself, and that you can believe a word that you are saying

In fact you can believe everything that comes into your head, or nothing, or have discernment between thoughts. If you believe everything that comes into your head, two outcomes will occur. You either believe that you are positive creature who can do anything, or you believe that you are small, weak, insignificant, someone who is not worthy of respecting or expressing themselves, lonely, an outcast, unlovable, unwantable, yadda yadda yadda. 

If you believe nothing that come into your head, then that means you can't believe in yourself because you are the one doing the talking! A human being without faith is a powerless husk of a man

If you have discernment, now you are getting somewhere. If you believe in the positive, and dissuade the negative as much as possible, while still having some room for not expecting anything because anything can occur, but still expecting the positive, then and only then will you be on the right track.

We all have to become watchers of the self talk. Watchers of the illusions and ivory towers that we have built up for ourselves.

The pluses and minuses are our thoughts and ideas we hold within our mind, but our mind creates the illusions of those thoughts and ideas that we have about ourself. I, on my next stage of spiritual growth, want to get to the point of throing out my mind all together. I want to have no-mind. I want to simply be aware of everything and know nothing. I want my mind to be less sticky. I want to end all illusion, for we are simply in the illusion of the world as we see it at all times. Want to change your life? Change your mind. Change the illusions that you have about yourself and the world to those that best fit whatever the fuck you are trying to do. Im not saying its easy, boy it is sure as hell hard. To have almost every single one of your illusions be dismantled for new and better ones. But it is necessary to your growth, and growth is the key ingredient to any fulfilling or meaningful life.

I say that our thoughts and believes are illusion not because they can't be founded. I today am over 200 pounds, that can be founded I can be put onto a scale, wait a few seconds for the needle to balance out the equal distribution of my weight, and voila! There's my weight. But, I cannot be measured, for I am always changing. I could say fuck it and gain another 100 pounds, or lose 100. But I myself cannot be defined, for I am always in a constant state of flux, so any ideas or thoughts that I have about myself are obsolete because I am always changing. Unless I want to be perfect and stay stagnant, but then "IT" is gonna be on my head telling me how I have to do better or else I'll surreptitiously suffer.

Plus, I AM IT! So how can I ever dare to conceptualize it? To conceptualize me, an ever expanding, ever growing, and ever changing organism? How could I ever define myself? My TRUEST SELF IS ABOVE ALL FORM. Form is temporary, but class lasts forever. Listen, I hope you got something out of this, because all I want to do is to go back home, and find ways to do it here, so that we all know we are going when we leave, and we all know how beautiful it is. Stay gorgous people, and if they don't understand, fuck em because I don't understand it myself. The best and truest excuse is to not know.