meaning

I don\"t feel anything. Even when I am surrounded by people who care deeply for me, I don\"t feel anything. I feel a faint little glare of light peak into my own energy field, but I don\"t feel anything. Nothing really moves me, besides things that touch my heart. I am a very dense person, i dont get moved by much. Maybe its the upbringing, maybe its who I am, but I don\"t really feel anything anymore. Even the downs are not as satisfying as they used to be. They aren\"t as real as they appear to be. I moved past the stage of wholeheartedly believing in my fears, in my sadness, in my negative emotions in general. I am slowly but consistenly being stripped away of my innocence, and it is a painful death on my part.

As a human being, I cannot sustain levels of happiness for long. I am getting better and better at it for sure, and I as write this there is a twinkle in my eye, reminding me of how far I have grown.

I can honestly say that I enjoy life. I feel like my time in the game has been spent decently, but it hasn\"t been spent my way. I am just now getting control over my most daring and intrusive thoughts, let alone habits, goals, self-discipline, manipulation, social gatherings, i mean I am still a virgin for christ\"s sakes. I got control of the car that I barrly knew how to drive and crashed into a whole lot of shit when I was younger.

I feel like I am a man reborn. God I hate how CHRISTIANITY MAKES EVERYTHKNG THAT HAD SUBSTANCE AND MEANING SUPER SUPERFICIAL, HOLLOW, AND GOD-AWFULLY CHEESY. Not in the cheesy eurocentric baptismal way, but from the literal fact that I was a dead zombie for 20 years.

Its the only reason why I like Daniel Johnston. I HZTE HOW SUPERFICIAL POPTARDS MAKE EVERYTHING OF SUBSTANCE CHEESY BY DEGRADING IT WITH THEIR CONFORMITY AND COMFORTS. Most daniel johnstô stans can understand him forsure. Pain is a relatively easy thing to relate to. Somebody dies, well I\"ve never been dead but I can understand your delusions of loss bc I myself, being subjagated to a similar society as you, suffer from the same delusions of loss as well. 

But what happens when you are physiczlly alive, but emotionally and spiritually dead? Well that was pre-dropout Dorian. Daniel Johnston had to find his own way, his own meaning, nobody gave a fuck about him really until he did. He put his answers on display, through his music, as a cheat sheet for all of us plebians who are also taking one of life\"s biggest tests, the search for meaning.

Saying music is a cheat sheet towards meaning is a misnomer. BITCH, THERE ARE ONLY GUIDES, NO ANSWERS. YOU AINT NO RAPUNZEL NO CINDERELLA NO SLEEPING BEAUTY NO SNOW WHITE. THERE AINT A SINGLE THING OR PERSON OUTSIDE OF YOUR LIFE THAT WILL GIVE YOUR LIFE MEANING AND VALUE. ONLY YOU CAN DECIDE THIS. NOBODY IS GOING TO SWEEP US OFF OF OUR FEET AND SAVE US FROM THE MEANINGLESS CESSPOOL OF SHIT THAT IS OUR LIVES IN THE MOST RECENT PATCH OF EVOLUTION.

NOBODY\"S GOT THE FUCKING ANSWERS. NOT EVEN ME OR YOU. AS SOON AS WE THINK WE GOT THE FUCKING ANSWERS. LIVE IS SPECIFICALLY DESIGNED FOR US SO AS SOON AS WE THINK WE GOT THE FUCKING ANSWERS, THE RUG GETS SLIPPED FROM UNDER US AND WE HAVE TO FIND A DEEPER MEANING TO WHAT WE CONSIDERED AN ALREADY ESTABLISHED TRUTH.

Im not angry right now, just a rare breed of human being that shows compassion for his fellow man by being passionate about what he or she talks about.

We have to deliver our own source of meaning to our lives, and this could be as simple as I take up spave therefore by me contributing to the good of the space I take up, i am living a meaningful life, to people like me, who are so ambitious that if they haven\"t made $100 million dollars and spét most of it contributing to the propagation of true art then their life was totally worthless, meaningless, and a complete and utter failure.

yes, i carry that rock around in my head, SO PARDON ME IF I SPAS THE FUCK OUT SOMETIMES.

Anyways, meaning is ultimately up to you and you only. Meaning is the ultimate guessing game that you play every single day between you and yourself. If you put 100 million men into the same exact situation, then asked them to extract their own meaning out of said situation, then you\"d get 100 million different answers. Of course people would answer along the side of similar themes, there isn\"t THAT MUCH variation between us human beings, but the fact that not one human would come up with the same combination of words used in the exact same way should prove the point that I am trying to make

This life game came with laws, not rules. Laws are the mechanical processes that make up the game itself, but rules are how you play the game. Like we use the law of gravity in order to pick up an uno card when we come across one of the rules of the game "drawing cards when you have no playable cards".

Nobody has ever dared written in the rules of uno "this game requires gravity." "You must obey the laws of gravity in order to play this game" No.... its a given. BUT US AS HUMAN BEINGS CONFUSE RULES AS LAWS OF THE GAME ITSELF.

A rule is simply how you choose to play the game.  There are no set rules for this game of life. The game itself is constantly changing all of the time, how could anyone have the audacity to come up with a cookie cutter way to live?

YET AND STILL, WE STILL CONSIDER RULES THAT WERE WRITTEN BY DEAD PEOPLE WHO HAD OUR WORST INTENTIONS IN MIND THE ONLY MEANS AND WAYS OF PLAYING THIS EVER EXPANDING GAME OF LIFE!

Have you ever thought and wonder where you got your ruler from? The measuring stick that you use to deem and judge the worth of both yourself and others? Where and when did those ideas come into place, what\"s their utility and why do we deem them to be useful? Your parents? But where did they get it from? Their parents? Oh so not only do we worship living dinosaurs but the dead ones as well? And what for?

Why carry and use this weapon of judgement, and dont even care to question its power? Is it powerful, being able to live your life by a faulty and obsolete rulebook that\"s been handed down the generation similar to the effects that a mother with aids passes the pestilence down to their kids? This rulebook, measuring stick, balance scales of judgement, we like to think, is powerful enough to provide us with the most optimal way of playing the game of life. Which is to take 0 risks, fit in, and be the most wretched and miserable versions of ourselves.

Now, a brave kid might come along and say, "yo this tattered and dusty ass rulebook is fucking useless. It smells like my gramps book collection after the flood, and the first rule "comfort over chaos" just cramps my style way too hard! Fuck everybody and everything that has ever beeen associated with this rulebook" and those kids are relatively easy to handle. All we do is label them with these everso arbitrarily deemed mental illnesses such as "adhd" or "ocd" or something stupid like labeling a child  for "special education". Or, if that tried and true method doesn\"t quite fit, then we can count on the ole ruler. Suspensions, corporeal punishment, literally beating the kid into submission is one of adults favorite things to do.

so either A, the kid never conforms and lives a life of crime because the only place he or she was ever accepted was into the streets, or b, the teachers, parents, staff, janitor, sunday school priests, aunts and uncles laugh because they know that the kid is gonna crack and conform someday.

so we keep this stale rulebook. I know you are probably asking, "why call it a rulebook. Why the fuck are we talkkng about a rulebook. I\"m still stuck on the fact that you compared generational curses to aids goddammitt!" And, if we were in the same room, I\"d slap you silly for dare questioning my authority like every person who was ever kn authority has ever done with their power.

I kid, I actually follow my own rulebook so there is no need for me to ever want to control you.

when I said earlier there is a difference between rules and laws, that was the biggest giveaway for what I am about to say. In every game, there are rules, how the game is supposed to be played. But, in the game of life, there are no rules. Its too complicated of a game with too many variables to calculate in every single moment that there could be no possible way for anyone to be able to follow rules that are not specifically tailored to their unique situation. and yet we use the same stale rulebook created however long ago for the sole reason to keep people as stale as the rulebook during their meagre time playing the game. 

For you see, your rules are what give your life meaning. HOW YOU DECIDE TO PLAY THE GAME IS WHAT GIVES YOUR LIFE MEANING. IF YOU ALWAYS FOLLOW THE RULES THAT EVERYBODY ELSE FOLLOWS, THEN YOU WILL BE MISERABLE LIKE MOST OF THE ENTIRE WRETCHED SOCIETY THAT WE LIVE IN. 

HOW CAN ANYONE IN THE ENTIRE WORLD DECIDE FOR YOU THE BEST WAY TO PLAY YOUR GAME! THEY DONT KNOW YOUR STATS LIKE YOU DO. ALL THEY KNOW IS THE IMAGE THAT YOU PRESENT TO THEM. ALL AUTHORITY IS BASED ON THE POWER THAT WE PROVIDE THEM.

How can anyone write the rulebook to your own game? How can anyone dictate the meaning of your life? How can anyone conjure up the gumption to assume where you are at in your life and where you are supposed to be?

As a dead man who lived under the thumb of those that did not understand me in the slightest, I can confidently say that anyone who hasn\"t tried to abide by their own rules in life is a dreadful waste of a human being who deserves the most out of life regardless.

With this being said, because the game itself is constantly being updated, our rules are constantly changing. What you cared about today could be completely inutile to you tomorrrow.

so we should always keep an open mind and an open heart because we don\"t know what the fuck is creeping around the corner, and we have to be ready for it, or else we\"ll die.

Side note: the people that judge you, also judge themselves, and are more than likely living by that small stale rusty ole dusty beaten barren and barred rulebook that keeps them secure and living the small lives that they want to live. They have ALL OF THE ANSWERS. SO THE NEXT TIME SOMEONE TRIES TO PUT YOU DOWN, JUST SMILE AND KNOW THAT THEY ARE NOT EVEN WORTH THE GROUND THAT THEY WALK ON. THEY ARE RIDICULOUS. ABSOLUTELY FUCKING RIDICULOUS. THEY THINK THAT THEY HAVE ALL OF THE FUCKING ANSWERS. So they have the right to judge others because they have never encountered something, or run away from the things that makes them realize that they dont have it all figured out. So by you doing something new, by using your own fresh rulebook, their comfortable small existence is threatened by just you showjng them that they still have some things to figure out. So fuck all the naysayers, all they say is NAY, NADA, NOTHING, ZILCH