Top Ten Bands in Detroit
Ok. Let’s be real. Everybody thinks that their band is good. I think that most Detroit bands suck. Not in the sense that they are lacking in talent( although some of them obviously are), but in the sense that none of the bands have the balls or decency to work together. There is no reason why Detroit can’t be the London of the Midwest, or some other useless pretentious title that cities with a thriving creative class have. Didn't we leave the clique mentality in High School; or is it just human nature? Fuck that! We have to stop being so scared to work together! We have to stop being so scared to help each other out! We have to stop being so scared to meet new people and put ourselves out there! It’s a shame honestly. I can't do anything by complaining, so I've decided that I am going to be the change that I want to see in our scene! With that being said, Detroit is a hotbed with a ton, and I mean a ton, of diverse talents and sounds. Making this list was way harder than you think! When considering the bands, I didn’t judge them based on the one time that I saw them live while plastered in Hamtramck somewhere. I considered their originality, their recorded material, their swag/aura/persona, their consistency, and their impact on the scene itself. Some bands scored higher than others, but at then end of the day it’s just my bloody opinion. If you care about it that much then go write your own list and post it ya nincompoop!
Number 10, Tendosadboii
I already know what you are thinking. Really, a rapper in a top ten list of bands? Oh you short-sighted fool! Tendosadboii, aka Jody, aka Darshae, aka silenthll, aka sabki-loser, aka I know that I am missing one but I completely forgot it, is more than just a "rapper". He is a one man wrecking crew of swagger and bravado. Never one to brag or boast, his presence alone leaves you uncomfortable in ways that I never thought were humanly possible. He commands the room by him just being him! His mellowness makes you want to do something reckless or bad just to get his attention. All the while he’s dripped out in the lastest thrift finds of his, spitting facts to anyone and everyone close by. The real reason why I put Jody at the ten spot is because I think that he represents the spirit of the Detroit scene. He’s a strong individual who never fails to leave a lasting impression on those around him, in a city full of bands and people that are trying really hard to do the exact same thing. Just follow him on Instagram for a couple of days and you’ll see exactly what I mean. I didn’t even get to talk about the music, in which all of the mellowness and reservation in his personality gets tossed aside to the wind with gems such as: “girls don’t like me, they only like music”, “I am a poltergeist, I do not exist”, “Depression on my sleeve and I wear it like Dior” and my personal favorite “They don’t feel ya but they feel ya”. Bottom line with Darshae is Everything is Everything.
Number 9, Rastakraut
Who the fuck are Rastakraut? How many members do they have? What instruments do they play? I’ve seen Rastakraut play 3 times and I still can’t answer these questions without feeling wrong or misinformed. Maybe that’s why they’ve cracked the top ten? With one live set it’s a sonic blitzkrieg of doom metal and fuzz wars. Another set and its freak folk on steroids. Then there was that one set where they came together as a five man unit and decided that the best way to get the person telling them to turn down their guitars pissed off was to turn up their guitars! That’s what I like about Rastakraut. No show is the same with them. No song is the same with them. No album is the same with them. Maybe they are trying to “find their sound”? Or maybe they are trying to find their “society”, where the concept of genre is a distasteful afterthought? Who knows? They sure as hell don’t! P.S. Rastakraut is the only band that I’ve tried out for and got rejected from so it’s 10 points to Gryffindor on that note.
https://instagram.com/rastakraut?igshid=qaoe7g6bklu6
Number 8, The Waterheads
I didn’t know it was possible to have a crush on every member of a band until I met The Waterheads! Quoted as “alpha male, chest beating, punk garbage”, I find that statement to be quite the understatement. With hits like Wahwahwah, GOGOGOGOGO Girls/Guys on my cock, and Look/Book (all of the song titles are ambiguous as fuck!), its hard not to consider The Waterheads as important music in the Detroit Scene. Front(nonbinary) man Michael Clayton boisterously battles with his inner demons, while using the microphone as their own liquid sword; dodging the demons’ blows and disguising it as captivating stage presence! Guitarist Owen Pardy dominates the sound superiority; releasing rampaging power chords that rip through the crowd with ravaging rancor. All the while, Bassist Kyle Lakin is holding it down while also keeping the entire ensemble an eighth note away from total catastrophe. I would mention the drummer, but The Waterheads have unfortunately been plagued with drummers that aren’t all in on their sound (I'm sure that they are taking auditions). Where The Waterheads lack in recorded material, they make up for raw power. And, most importantly, they have swagger both on and off the stage. Talk to anyone of them for five minutes and try not to fall in love with them. I'll spare you the effort; it's impossible.
https://instagram.com/the_waterheads?igshid=15jh9nhx503gy
Number 7, The Stools
If you want to be crowned Detroit’s number one punk band, you’re gonna have to go through the stools of hell first. Or was it the bowels of hell? Who the fuck cares?! The Stools are the perennial posterchilds of Detroit punk. They never disappoint (which is saying alot coming from this blue-collared city), and they go hard as fuck in everything that they do. Especially Will Lorenz, the frontman. I’ve never heard a voice like that, used in a way like this, all while ripping his telecaster to dust and oblivion. What is this and that you ask? Well the best way to describe his voice is to imagine the sludge that sits at the bottom of the industrial-sized grease trap in the back of your favorite burger joint’s kitchen. Now imagine that same sludge, but having the sharpness of a razorblade. Finally, imagine that razor-like sludge scrounging around in your ballsack, (or ovaries) and then you’ll be getting closer to Lorenz’ voice. Closer, but still so far. Mere words can’t describe what you’d have to hear to understand. Lorenz doesn’t have two slouches backing him up folks. Chucky Stahl annihilates any hopes of taking a breather during their sets by pounding the drums to kingdom come and back. And the pretty boy of the ensemble, bassist Krystian Quint, is like an extension of both Stahl’s and Lorenz’ right hands; always in the right place at the right time with style and grace and no questions asked. One reason why The Stools aren’t higher on this list is due to the simple fact that I have failed to see them live. I was at a house show one time, one floor above them I might add, while they played an hour and a half long set. I didn’t even take a peep at them! I consider it one of the follies of my youth. The Stools don’t need me to vouch for them though. They already have Jack “I ripped off of The Gories” White doing that for them. They’ve even played with The Raconteurs at the Masonic Temple. Oops! Where are my manners? What I meant to say was that they even opened up for The White Stripes 1.5 at the Masonic Temple! Part of the reason why I put The Stools at 7 is because I can see their fans reactions, and it pleases me. They can easily be number one on this list, and in some circles they are. Either way, I expect big things from the Beaconsfield Boys, and I know that they will live up to the hype!
Number 6, Andrew Starr
Andrew Starr is an unassuming band. They don’t strike you as the star type. They aren’t going to light up the room with a smile, captivate you with fancy parlor tricks, or outparty you in any right. Hell, if they didn’t have their instruments in their hands you would think that they were all part of the math bowl. However, their character speaks volumes over everything that they do. And it speaks well. When I first saw Andrew Starr at Nice Place, I was like "wtf, what is all the hype about". Then I met Cam Frank, the mastermind behind the Starr operation, and I felt like they were a long lost friend. A buddy at birth that was split apart due to unforeseen circumstances. But that’s impossible! I was born in Xenia, Ohio, and they are from Grand Rapids! Well, Ladies and Gentleman I, like many other unfortunate victims, got swooned by the Frank charm. You don’t fall in love with Andrew Starr because of their music, you fall in love with Andrew Starr because of Andrew Starr. You want to support Andrew Starr due to the simple fact that Cam Frank is a sweetheart who also happens to make really good music. And they are surrounded by people who are just as sweet as them. Matty Hager is probably the only other person of note in Andrew Starr, and the only person who's name I remember, but they are all you need! Cam's influence in the Grand Rapids scene is one the main reasons why we even check for music in Grand Rapids in the first place! As far as their discography goes, they actually have a discography. And it is really good. You have deep cuts like “Charlie”, an endearing song about his pet dog. And of course you have hits like “Ricky My Son”, “Baby Rattle Requiem”, and “Pull Me Down”. But those aren’t really hits in a sense, but they are really good songs that represent an unique sound coming from an evensomore unique individual. A Starr indeed!
P.S Andrew Starr lives in Detroit now so they made the list based on pure technicality.
https://instagram.com/andrewstarrmusic?igshid=1wactta05q0fa
Number 5, Craig Garwood
Craiggie, Craiggie, Craiggie. Love him or hate him, he doesn’t give a fuck so why should you?! Mr. Garwood is in possession of some of my favorite music in the Detroit scene. He is a maestro at melodies, and has a knack for simple and yet heartfelt songwriting. I have never listened to a Craig Garwood song and said “that didn’t feel genuine”. His live performance of “Chainsaw” will either rip you to shreds, or leave you in tears! Either way you aren’t leaving unscathed; just how I like it! Like it or not, he finds ways to live in your head. I find myself humming his melodies at the most inopportune of times, like in the middle of passionate lovemaking for example. Mr. Garwood runs his live set like a 1944 US Naval Aircraft Carrier, both tight but loose. In fact, the main reason why I put Craig so high on the list is simply because his live shows get better and better every single time I see him. What other bands starts off their shows with a medley, and ends them with the whole band singing acapella with minimal guitar accompaniment? Swagger, recordings, live performances, there are no holes in Craig Garwood’s game! I can’t wait to see what he grows into next!
Number 4, Teener
Teener is harder than 95% of all punk bands. I can take one look at their lead singer, Ollie, and know that they will punch me harder than 95% of all punk bands. I can take one look at their EP “Siclical Trash”, and tell you that they are making music harder than 95% of all punk bands. One second of their live set is all I need to know that I’m not leaving out of there without some bruises and a permanent case of tinnitus (if I’m lucky). The thing about Teener though is that you want so much more. I just can’t get enough! Describing Teener's music is an impossible task due to the fact that the English language has yet to invent words that can! So here is my feeble attempt at it. Ahem. The guitar and bass lock together like newlyweds consumating their marriage; in an attempt to support the closest thing I’ll ever get to hear to a Banshee’s scream in my lifetime. The drums are both the encouraging paternal disciplinarian that keeps the order, and the nurturing maternal figure that allows everything to be at the same exact time. When put together, it is unprecedented material, which is always bonus points in my book. In all honesty though, the only reason you’d ever listen to Teener is to hear Ollie push the limits of their existence on the first and only natural instrument that we call a human voice. All the while seeing them giving their 110% on the stage without any fear or hesitation. Teener kicks asses without any remorse, and takes no names. Its just as simple as that.
Number 3, Mark Whalen and the Buttermilk Boys
I can feel the hate from The Stools fans. All jokes aside, Mark Whalen are quote on quote “seat ready”. I would easily fork out $40 to see them live, and not feel cheated. One thing is for certain, Mark Whalen brings out the ladies. Fella’s, let’s not kid ourselves here. The MAIN reason why we go to shows isn’t to support our friends. It isn’t to have fun and get fucked up. Hell, some nights I don't even go to shows to listen to the music! It’s to get laid! Fuck bitches. Procreate. Bust a nut. Jump some bones. Rock the boat. Unload our Love Guns. Whatever the fuck you want to call it, it's there. Of course not all of the time, we aren’t animals. It's only 99.9% of the time. I’d hate to come off as a chauvinistic pig, but it’s the truth. It is part of having a good time, like every other party. I'm sure deep down inside Ms. High Brow is exactly the same! How else do you think we've survived for thousands of years? Parties and shows are fundamental to the continuation of our species if you really think about it! So bonus points for Mark Whalen on that end. Then again, why are they number 3? Ok Jimmy. The second reason is the shows consist of five members consistently. Do you know how hard it is to get 3 members to practice on a consistent basis? These five members have the chops of a paid session musician and then some. The live show is always on the money, without delay or hassle. With Pete Frampton style voice vocoders and funk included. A lot of funk included! Did you just really put them in the top 3 because they satiate your lust and are well-polished? Wait, I'm not done yet Jimmy! The third reason in the case of Mark Whalen is the simple fact that they look cool together. Individually, it is a whole different case (especially the bassist hehehe), but together, they look, move, eat , sleep, breath, and shit like an ensemble. Their bonds are deeper than the music, and it shows in everything that they do. It's really just 5 bros having a good time and making music together. That type of lightheartedness is a breath of fresh air. Their connection makes me want to believe in them, and gives them the unfair advantage of reliability. Ok so they are well polished, have deep bonds, are dependable, and bring in the ladies. So what? A lot of bands do that. Why 3? Well I haven’t even mentioned the most important part Jimmy, their name. I can never go into the gritty details of how they came about their band name, but you’ll just have to take my word for it that it is a funny story that also adds extreme depth to their characters. Also, we just don't see names like theirs anymore; a throwback indeed. Finally, “Motherbird”. That’s all I’m going to say. For every other band I put in their live performances, but with Mark Whalen you just need one song to fall in love with them. I rest my case.
Number 2, Legume
I used to hate Legume. I used to think that Liam McNitt was a terrible person who wanted fame at all costs. But then I stopped acting like a bitch, pulled up my pants, and started having the courage to formulate my own opinions. Now I can say with pride that I love Legume. Take all of the positive attributes of Mark Whalen (to recap: seat ready, brings in the ladies, five members that are well coordinated (to the point of on-stage choreography), a loveable frontman) and add in really good (damn near great, I know you’ll get there someday kid!) songwriting, and you have the number 2 spot locked. You’ve got the cheesiest, lamest, goofiest, fan favorite (I personally hate this song with every inch of my being!) with “Gonna Fuck Your Dad”. Then you’ve got the club bopper but also deep cut in “Fuck Ham”, followed by my personal favorite song in the whole Detroit scene (a guilty pleasure that’s well worth the guilt) “Talk About”, and you are close to a quarter way through a Legume set. Legume fans love them so much that they play hour long sets folks. What other band in Detroit can captivate an audience for an hour with guitar strums, ho-hums, daffodils, and daydreams? You may say that Legume isn't making the most original music, but I would say that you've never really listened to Legume with an open mind before. Mr. McNitt exudes emotion in every single note that he is singing, and I would be lying if I said that it wasn't real. Who am I to judge somebody that's giving their all into something? At first glance, Legume may seem light and cheery, but nothing is as it seems with Mr. McNitt. I thought his mysticism and distance was pure arrogance, but then I realized that he’s just trying to figure himself out like the rest of us. Liam’s songs may be cheesy and easy to swallow, but the pain is still there. Take a listen to “No Good” for instance, and you’ll see what I mean. The real beauty is in the way that he turns his pain into something that resembles fun. He is vulnerable, but he doesn't want you to know that. He protects us from himself, but he also let's us in at the same time. That is what music really is about honestly. If you are like the former me and shut out Legume for whatever reason, I'd suggest that you should give them a chance and I promise you that you’ll like what you see. Its easy to root for (and hate on) Liam, but I really want to see where his laidback legatos will take him next! Long Live Legume!
https://instagram.com/legume_band?igshid=428tegdx7x0k
Number 1, Anomaly
Of course we are number one! What band do you know that has Henry Potter and Dorian Turner in their band together? I know you see the clips of Henry drumming on the gram. I know you wish he was in your band. I know you hear Dorian’s voice. I know you wish that you made music with him. Henry Potter can easily out-drum any drummer in Detroit 7 to 1 no debate. I dare you to name a drummer! We’ll pull out the sets and get a side by side comparison going! You don’t want that! We didn’t even mention the guitar. Dorian Turner is the coldest guitarist in any band period. The day that a Detroit band will have a better guitarist than Anomaly is the day that Dorian Turner stops breathing. Oh I can't forget about the bassist, Gene Freezer, either. If we were ever to get into a fight, we would automatically win because of him. He KICKS ASS folks, don't let that teddy bear charm fool you! And have you ever been to an Anomaly show that you’ve forgotten about? Have we ever disappointed? Have we not persevered through the set regardless of the circumstances? Have we ever not showed heart? Speaking of perseverance, I am going to name all of the iterations of the Anomaly roster.
Dorian, Sean, Jv
Dorian Sean Craig
Dorian Dylan Craig
Dorian
Dorian Sean Nick
Dorian Nick
Dorian Jacob Nick
Dorian Chris Henry
Eight different iterations for eight different members in a year and a half since the band’s inception. Guess who was the constant? I don’t know too many bands that could have survived that! Y’all better put some respect on Anomaly’s name. It doesn’t matter if you do, or if you don’t. We are heading to the top regardless!
Number 1, Saajtak
Saajtak is the only band in Detroit, musically speaking, that I have no idea what the hell they are doing. Their rig consists of a multitude of bass and synth pedals, an average drum set, and a sampler for the lead singer’s vocals. And yet they make so much noise! Well equipped with the finest of chops, Saajtak are four souls traveling together through the cosmogonic wasteland that we call sound. For thirty minutes straight, I watched them bend, twist, contort, burn, and summon sounds in ways that I can’t even begin to describe. Some songs the bassist Ben Willis keeps circular rhythm, playing so off the beat that he almost shifts the time signature to his side of the spectrum. And other songs he is adding to the polyrhythmic layered cake put down by lead singer Alex Koi and drummer Jonathan Taylor. Synth player Simon Adams adds a really nice touch by laying out the foreground of the atmospheric pictures painted by the ensemble, while also doing whatever the hell he pleases (just like every synth player in every band to have ever had a synth player). I like Saajtak because you can switch between different modes of listening. Let me rephrase that. You HAVE TO switch between different modes of listening due to the fact that they have an iron vicegrip over their dynamics. They can go from just Simon and Alex leading the atmosphere, to Jon, Ben, and Simon playing jazz fusion trio. Then there are times where Alex just goes on a run of alto ranged melismas out of nowhere, without having to bat an eye, backed by the band climaxing as a whole. All the while, they are combining the electronic side of their band in ways that I have yet to grasp. On that note, I don’t think I ever will. I don’t even want to for that matter! Saajtak makes me feel dumbfounded every time I watch them, and I don’t find that feeling anywhere else in Detroit. Their recordings don’t do the band justice, even though their recordings are really good. With cuts like "Hectic", "The Keeper", and "If You Ask", you can really get a feel for the band's insanity. Even still, it doesn't hold a candle to being in front of them, participating in their energy exchanges., and standing in awe of Taylor's ropelike arms hitting every single square inch of the drumset like he's playing patty-cake. It is similar to jazz recordings. In order to see the true character of Saajtak, you must see them live. I don’t know when we are going to have shows, but all I know is that the next Saajtak show will be having me in the crowd. I hope you are too, for you would be witnessing history.
In conclusion, I love the Detroit music scene. I see the huge potential in it as a whole. There are alot of bands that didn't make this list that I enjoy thouroughly, so I put together some honorable mentions. If I forgot you, just know that I love you, and that you shouldn't let other people's opinions validate your self-worth!
Honorable Mentions, in no particular order:
Symptoms/plugband/ramennoodlesbaby
Partydays (formally known as B)
Apenotkillape (R.I.P. Brett and Allen)
And many, many more......................too many.
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